Do you know how to deal with judgmental people?
Have you ever been talking to someone who gets very judgmental of you because of mistakes you’ve made in the past, things you’re not still doing, attitudes and actions that you have left behind, but they want to keep you in the past. Do you know how to deal with judgmental people like this?
Maybe it’s not on purpose, but they make you feel guilty all over again for something that happened a long time ago. In their mind they just can’t see all the changes and progress in your life. And they don’t see who you have become and where you’re going now. This can be so frustrating at times.
Well, it’s happened to all of us. Some people can be so judgmental.
I know sometimes I get judgmental of other people and it makes others uncomfortable, and I may not even realize I’m doing it. Sometimes I’m very conscious that I’m doing it.
A simple metaphor about how to deal with judgmental people
So how do you deal with people who are so judgmental of you and keep you in the past for the things that happened a long time ago or maybe even something that’s going on now that they don’t agree with?
Well, here’s a little funny analogy that someone shared with me a while back. What if you were out at night and there was a weird purple neon sign in the window of a shop and you’re standing next to it, and so it makes your skin look purple? Does that mean you have purple skin? No. The minute you leave that place, you realize, “Oh, my skin is not purple.”
What if someone took a picture of you in front of that purple light and then told everyone, “Ooh, my gosh, they’ve got purple skin? That’s really weird. You don’t want to associate with them because they’re so different. You don’t want to hang out with them. They’ve got purple skin.”
Would you worry about your reputation? Would you go and look in the mirror and say, “Oh, my gosh, maybe my skin is purple.” No, you would know it was just the way the light shone on you.
I know that’s a simplistic little metaphor, but that’s the way some people are when they see something that you did in the past and they attach that to you and they don’t let go. And they are judgmental. They think it’s not right, and maybe it wasn’t. Maybe it’s just their opinion about something.
But why should that affect you and me when somebody acts that way toward us?
You don’t need to worry about how people may be judgmental
In my prison ministry, I work with lots of men and women who worry about what society will think of them when they get out of prison. They say to themselves, “They’ll know I was a convict and they won’t hire me.” They’re really concerned about this. “What will my friends and family think about me when I get home? Will they be judgmental of me?” And they feel that a lot.
I always tell them to be honest and direct with their family and friends or on a job interview, for example. Sometimes you have to deal with the elephant in the room right up front.
And some people don’t want to ever talk about the fact that these people were in prison, their family, they don’t want to bring it up, but the elephant is in the room. And sometimes it’s best to just be honest and upfront and be willing to talk about this and head it off at the pass, so to speak.
A great job interview idea
I recently heard of an inmate who had been released who said in a job interview,
Just so you know, I was incarcerated for two and a half years in a federal prison. I’ve taken classes that help me deal with the reasons I committed the crime. And I’ve gotten rid of the old habits and ways of thinking that got me in trouble. I no longer hang out with people who have a negative influence on me. I took my time in prison to reflect on what kind of person I want to be and the contribution I want to make to society. And I feel like I’m a new person on the inside.
Now, I know you’ll probably feel it’s a risk to hire someone like me, but I would appreciate the opportunity to show you who I am and what I can do for your company. I want to do whatever I can to contribute to society instead of being part of the problem.
If someone said that to you in a job interview, that would get your attention. They’re being upfront about it. They’re acknowledging the situation, but they’re also saying “Hey, I’m going forward. I’ve made progress.” That’s someone that you might be really willing to think about hiring for your company or being a friend with or having as a member of your church or whatever.
Because of the way they talked about their situation, you might not be quite so judgmental of them. So you can use that same idea as well.
Don’t be so judgmental of yourself
Something that’s really important here is we need to not be so judgmental of ourselves. Be honest, of course, with other people, but be honest with yourself about who you are, where you’ve been, what you have done, but more importantly with who you are now and where you’re going now.
Some people are always going to be judgmental of you. And if they’re not willing to let you be who you are now, maybe it’s time to not associate with them anymore or find a job where you’re appreciated.
When someone is overly judgmental, it’s probably not about you. It’s the lens of their own insecurities and self righteousness that they’re looking at you through. You want to be with people who can see you as you are now. It’s really time to set some healthy boundaries.
How to deal with judgmental people? Forgive them
And when you deal with somebody that’s judgmental, at some point you just have to forgive them. Jesus faced this. People misjudged Jesus and he forgave them. Sometimes people just don’t realize what they’re doing. That’s why Jesus could say on the cross, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”
You can pray for God to open their eyes and to soften their hearts.
And then the question you have to ask sometimes: Are you judgmental of other people? It’s important to treat others the same way you want to be treated.
God is your only judge
Ultimately, I think the most powerful thing in dealing with people who are judgmental is to remember your identity in Christ as the image and likeness of God. God is your only real judge. You answer to God and He is your judge.
When you feel His forgiveness, you don’t have to let what other people say or do pull you back, pull you down, or make you discouraged.
Now, these are just a few ideas. There’s so many other things I could talk about here, but these are just a few things to get you started thinking about how to deal with judgmental people. And I would love to hear if there’s something that’s been helpful for you in overcoming that judgmental person that sometimes just won’t be quiet. And even if they don’t say anything, you sort of feel it.
You can have freedom from that. You can have freedom from what other people are thinking. Because your ability to have peace of mind and to go forward and to feel good about yourself is about you and your direct relationship with God. And that is how to deal with judgmental people.
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Photo Credit: Vitaly Gariev
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James Early, the Jesus Mindset Coach, is a Bible teacher, speaker, and church mentor. He conducts Bible workshops online and in person. His focus is on getting back to the original Christianity of Jesus by learning to think, pray, and love like Jesus. Contact him here.
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