Do you ever feel loneliness at Christmas?
Recently, I read a report that estimates 14 million Americans will spend Christmas alone in 2025. I had no idea so many people will be alone during the holidays. And it’s not just this year. Apparently, this happens every year. And that’s why I want to talk about overcoming loneliness at Christmas.
Christmas playlist on Spotify Christmas playlist on this website
I grew up in a family where we always had lots of people together for a Christmas dinner, anywhere from 10 or 15 to 30 or 35. Over the years, there were parents and grandparents, aunts and uncles and lots of cousins, and sometimes family friends.
There were always lots of different conversations going on, lots of things to do in the kitchen, and later in the day, games and more conversations. It was a lot of fun and I thought this was normal. Maybe it was like this for you too. Or maybe not.
As a kid growing up, I never once thought about what Christmas was like for my friends at school. I was just thinking about myself. I just assumed everyone else had a similar experience as mine. But thinking about it now, I imagine that some of my friends probably did not have the kind of family- and friend-oriented Christmas I did. But it never occurred to me to ask them.
Hopefully I’m a little more conscious and considerate of other people’s situations these days. That doesn’t mean I’m going to invite a bunch of people to my house on Christmas Day, who might otherwise be alone. I really don’t know anyone who will be by themselves on December 25.
But there will be many who are alone.
Experiencing loneliness at Christmas
So I’ve been pondering some ideas to think about if you’re one of those 14 million folks who will be alone this year for Christmas, for whatever reason.
It would be easy to make a list of things to do for yourself or other people, how to find other people who will be by themselves and plan something together, and some of those things may happen and be wonderful. But just being with others and filling the day with activities doesn’t automatically solve the problem of feeling lonely.
I have been in a crowded room, with lots of noise and activity, and I know this is true for others, and still felt lonely. One Christmas when I was in college, I was invited to a fancy Christmas party for college age kids and a cousin arranged a blind date for me. It was one of the most miserable and lonely Christmas experiences of my life.
Loneliness at Christmas party
Out of a hundred or so people, I only knew two or three. Everyone was talking to their friends and I felt completely isolated. My blind date and I did not really have much in common and it got more awkward as the evening went on.
Now, I realize this doesn’t at all compare to someone who literally has no one to be with on Christmas, but it did feel that way just a little bit. Oh, I put on a good show and pretended to have a good time, but I felt so alone in that big room full of people.
No one showed any interest in me and when I tried to join in or start a conversation, it never went very far. I felt so isolated.
I mention all this because I realized from this experience that loneliness is more of an attitude than a situation or circumstance of how many people are in the room with you.
At that Christmas party, I felt alone in a crowded room. Other times I have felt the exact opposite of loneliness when I was actually all by myself. It’s more about how you are thinking about yourself and the situation, than the situation itself and whether you’re with other people or not.
Overcoming loneliness
So, I’ve been thinking about what the Bible has to say about healing and overcoming loneliness at Christmas, or any time of the year.
Why is it that you can feel lonely when you’re surrounded by people or not feel lonely when you’re all by yourself?
Like so many things, it has a lot to do with how you see yourself and how well you understand your relationship with God.
Loneliness is basically the idea you are separated from something or someone. It could be separation from people you love. It could be knowing lots of people on the surface but not having anything in common with them and no one really understanding who you are and what’s important to you as a person. There are lots of ways you might feel lonely in relationship to other people.
But the worst feeling of loneliness comes when you feel separated from God, for whatever reason. I think this is probably the root of all loneliness.
Feeling separated from God
When I have felt distant from God, I feel lonely and distanced from the people I love, even if they’re in the room with me. But when I feel connected with God, I can be all by myself for days and not feel lonely at all.
So how do we get connected with God? How do we feel God’s presence in our lives? That’s what Jesus came to do for us, to show us that God is with us, and that we are with God, always.
Jesus is actually the proof that God loves us and is with us. Everything he did and said points to the fact that we are not alone, that we are connected to God though Christ.
Being connected with God helps overcoming loneliness
Paul makes a wonderful promise along these lines when he declares,
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8: 35, 37-39 NIV
When you feel your connection with God through Christ, loneliness begins to let go of its grip on you.
There have been times when I felt so alone in the world because I didn’t feel understood and no one wanted to hear about my spiritual journey and discoveries.
There have been other times when I was completely alone, but felt connected to God and His whole creation because I experienced God’s presence in my life.
I keep making this point to say that overcoming loneliness is not about how many people are or are not with you at any given point. Overcoming loneliness is about knowing and experiencing your relationship with God. And, loving other people, whether you’re with them or not.
Loneliness at Christmas
So let’s come back to this idea of overcoming loneliness at Christmas.
The simple but powerful cure for loneliness is love: your love for God, God’s love for you, and your love for yourself and others. And then when others love you in return, and you receive it, it can banish loneliness in the blink of an eye.
One of the most famous passages in the Bible that talks about love is Chapter 13 of 1 Corinthians. It describes the beautiful qualities of a deep, spiritual agape love. Here are just a few of these verses.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 NIV
Who can you love when you’re lonely?
Now you may be wondering: Hey James, this sounds great but the reason I’m lonely is because I don’t have anyone to be loving to.
I’m afraid I will have to disagree with you just a little bit here. There is always someone in your life you can express love to: the check-out person at the grocery store, the person who delivers pizza to your front door, the mechanic who repairs your car, not to mention the strangers you pass on the sidewalk or drive past on the highway. You can love all these people, even if you don’t know them personally or may never see them again.
You can love the people who built your house or apartment, who you will probably never meet. You can love the people who deliver your mail, construct and repair the highway. There is no shortage of people you can love. It’s only a shortage of your awareness that you are able to do it.
When you start feeling and expressing love for the people in your life, things will begin to shift.
Over the years, I have known a few people who are really lonely. They blame it on circumstances or the way other people are, the way other people treat them, but what they can’t see is that they are not very loving.
The wolf who learned why no one wanted to play with him
I recently heard a children’s story of a wolf who was sad that none of the other animals in the forest would play with him. Instead they would all run away and he felt very much alone. One day, as all the other animals were running away, he cried out: Why won’t anyone play with me?
The little hedgehog said, “If you wouldn’t eat us, we wouldn’t be so afraid of you.”
The wolf replied, “I’m a wolf. What else am I supposed to eat?”
The hedgehog said, “Carrots, mushrooms, onions, stuff like that.”
The wolf went home and sautéed some mushrooms and was surprised at how good they were. So he learned to cook.
On Christmas he made a delicious pizza and as he was sitting down to eat it, he saw through the window of his dining room (you know, in stories like this, wolves live in cute little cottages in the woods), he saw through his window all the other animals going to a Christmas dinner. So he took his pizza to share with everyone.
But when they saw him coming, they all ran away except for one little bunny who went up to him and asked for a piece of pizza.
When the other animals saw the wolf was loving and sharing his food, they all came back to the celebration and included the wolf in the Christmas festivities.
Overcoming loneliness at Christmas is really about learning to love
If you are lonely, for whatever reason, the best way to stop feeling lonely is to love others, not just in your prayer chair, although it probably needs to start there. Think of what you can do for others that is loving, that makes them feel loved.
Now you’re probably already doing this, but I guarantee there is someone you know who needs to feel loved. Keep your eyes and your heart open to see who it might be.
As I said, we usually think of Chapter 13 of 1 Corinthians as the Bible’s best description of love, but recently I’ve been thinking about another chapter which goes into even greater detail about love: God’s love for us and our love for God, our love for others and their love for us.
Another love chapter in the Bible
It’s 1 John, Chapter 4, starting verse 7. I’ll read just a few of these verses.
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.
This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.
Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us. Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister. 1 John 4:7, 9, 11, 16-21 NIV
Love is the answer
In other words, when you love God, you come to know Him. When you know and love God, you know you’re never alone but feel God is with you. And as I said earlier, there are always lots of people you can love, whether you know them personally or not.
Love cannot exist in a void. Love is about a relationship with God, other people, and yourself. The more you love God, other people, and yourself, the more you’ll feel connected. And the less lonely you’ll feel.
Now you may be thinking: Hey James, this all sound great but I’m lonely because I don’t feel like anyone loves me. Why do I have to be the one who loves them first?
That’s actually a good question. The person you could be loving might be asking the very same question. Someone has to go first. If you wait for someone else to make the first move it may never happen.
They may not realize the need to love others in order to feel loved and less lonely. It doesn’t occur to them to love someone else first. But since you are aware of the need to love others, that means you’re actually ready to love them first.
Loving strangers heals loneliness at Christmas
Here again, you may be thinking: Hey James, I’m not so sure about this. I can see what you mean about loving others, but how am I supposed to love a total stranger? I save that word “love” for something deep and personal, once I really get to know and trust someone.
This is a great point. There are different kinds of love, in this case there’s the love between good friends, a sense of brotherly love, what the Bible calls philos.
But the kind of love I’m talking about is referred to in the Bible as agape, a deep spiritual, Christ-based love.
Agape love is basically loving people the way Jesus would have.
When you love others the way Jesus loved the people he met and dealt with, even if you’re by yourself, you won’t be lonely.
Get closer to Jesus
One way to not feel lonely is to feel closer to Jesus. If you’re feeling a sense of loneliness at Christmas, it’s a good time to ask yourself why you believe in Jesus and why you decided to follow him. Jesus makes you a promise about what will happen when you love him.
Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them. John 14:23 NIV
Think of having God and the Son of God as permanent roommates. And don’t you know, they’ll bring the Holy Spirit with them. That’s quite a houseful with never a lonely moment.
And by the way, what did Jesus do when he was alone? How can you follow his example?
Loving like Jesus overcomes loneliness at Christmas
The more you love like Jesus did, the more you’ll get an idea of who you could invite to spend Christmas with you, or someone might invite you to spend Christmas with them, or you discover that you don’t mind being by yourself, alone with God, and therefore not really alone at all.
The solution to loneliness is not just being with other people. Because the minute you’re by yourself again, you’ll probably be lonely all over again. Loneliness is lens you see yourself and the world through. It’s the limiting belief you’re separated from God and all the love and goodness He has already given you.
If you’re going to be by yourself this Christmas, ponder and cherish the love-relationship you have with God. Take some time to love and be grateful for everyone you come in contact with in your daily life. If you’re going to be with friends and family this Christmas, do the same.
And on a practical note, what about praying for all the people who are feeling a sense of loneliness at Christmas, that they will feel instead God’s presence and the love of others in tangible ways.
Listen for God’s directing Spirit if there’s anyone you can include in your Christmas plans, who has no one to be with.
Whatever your circumstances are, my Christmas prayer for you is to feel God’s presence in your life, to know that you are never separated from God or His love for you, and that you can share this love with others.
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Photo Credit: Laura Nyhuis
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James Early, the Jesus Mindset Coach, is a Bible teacher, speaker, and church mentor. He conducts Bible workshops online and in person. His focus is on getting back to the original Christianity of Jesus by learning to think, pray, and love like Jesus. Contact him here.
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Bible References
Romans 8: 35, 37-39 NIV
35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?
37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.
38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,
39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 NIV
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails.
1 John 4:7, 9, 11, 16-21 NIV
7 Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.
9 This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.
11 Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.
16 And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.
17 This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus.
18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
19 We love because he first loved us.
20 Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen.
21 And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister.
John 14:23 NIV
23 Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them.
