Do you have a hard time learning to forgive yourself?
A year or so ago, I met a guy in a class I was teaching, who had a really hard time forgiving. His business partners, whom he had considered as friends, had influenced him to make some really bad choices and he lost his business because of it.
He felt betrayed by these people. He swore he would never forgive them. And he had a hard time even thinking about forgiving himself for letting them influence him and making such foolish mistakes.
Over a period of several months I talked to him every week in class, and I tried to help him deal with his anger, his self-condemnation, and his refusal to forgive. There was a lot of other stuff going on in his life too, but the refusal to even be willing to think about forgiving was turning out to be a real stumbling block to his progress.
Amish Grace
Part of the class curriculum included watching the movie Amish Grace*. It’s about how an Amish community responds with grace and forgiveness when a gunman kills several Amish school children. The movie is based on a book by the same title*, which in turn, is based on a true story.
It’s a very sad story but the amazing thing is how the Amish community reaches out with forgiveness. In the movie, three Amish men, including the father of one of the girls who was killed earlier that morning, go to the home of the woman whose husband killed the children.
She is in tears and disbelief that her husband could have done such a horrible deed, but the reality has begun to set in when the three Amish men come to call on her. They offer her love and offer to help in any way they can. And they make it clear they forgive her husband and hold no ill will toward her.
She cannot believe it. It’s hard for her to accept that level of unconditional forgiveness.
There are many other powerful vignettes in the movie about forgiveness, including people who have a hard time forgiving themselves for things they did or didn’t do on the fateful day of the shooting.
It’s not an easy movie to watch but there is such a powerful message of forgiveness and redemption, I really do recommend it.
Learning to forgive from the Amish
After watching this movie, the fellow I mentioned earlier along with the other guys in the class, had a pretty lively discussion about forgiveness. A lot of them were having trouble forgiving themselves or someone who had hurt or betrayed them.
This one particular fellow was still pretty adamant about not forgiving his former business partners or himself.
But the spirit of forgiveness had taken root in his heart, and within a couple of months, he actually got to a place where he could forgive the people who had wronged him, as well as himself.
Everyone in the class burst into applause when he shared this one day. It was truly one of those moments when you feel like heaven opens up and you hear the angels singing. It was such an amazing transformation.
Here are a couple of previous episodes where I talk about forgiveness;
Episode 18 – Forgiving 70 x 7: How I Forgave My 8th Grade Gym Teacher
Episode 97: Mark Sowersby: Forgiveness Brings Freedom (Mark had to forgive someone who abused him.)
Learning to forgive yourself isn’t easy
Over many years, in lots of different situations and discussions, I’ve met so many people who have a hard time forgiving themselves. I have struggled with this as well.
Why is it so hard to forgive yourself? Why are we so hard on ourselves? I think it may be because we have a hard time loving ourselves.
And that too, is something I’ve seen a lot of people struggle with.
So I got to wondering what the Bible says about forgiving yourself. Well, actually, I didn’t find a whole lot.
There are many passages about God forgiving us and our need to forgive others, but not too much about us forgiving ourselves. But I did find this passage from 1 John.
If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God and receive from him anything we ask, because we keep his commands and do what pleases him. And this is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as he commanded us. 1 John 3:20-23 NIV
Well, you probably know what it feels like to make a mistake and condemn yourself for it. But John is saying when we don’t condemn ourselves, and for me, the implication here is that we forgive ourselves, we have a better awareness of our relationship with God and will even be more loving to each other.
Learning not to condemn yourself
When you make a mistake, big or small, do you beat yourself up for it? Maybe someone gave you false information, unknowingly or on purpose. Maybe your intuitions told you not to do something, but you did it anyway. Maybe you rebelled against someone warning you not to do something and you did it anyway. Maybe you were completely unaware you were making a mistake.
Whatever it might be, how do you treat yourself in such a situation? Do you, in effect, condemn yourself, call yourself an idiot for doing such a stupid thing? I’ve certainly done that at times.
This is what the verses from 1 John are encouraging us not to do. The beauty of this is that even if “our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.” God is bigger that your self-condemnation or your lack of forgiving yourself. And God is bigger than the sins you commit and the mistakes you make.
When we get to an awareness of this and “our hearts do not condemn us,” 1 John says we can have confidence before God and receive from Him anything we ask because of our faith in Jesus and our love for each other.
If you’ve ever found yourself in the pit of despair and self-condemnation, sometimes the best way to get out is to imbibe the spirit of Jesus’s love for and forgiveness of people, and that includes loving and forgiving yourself.
I’m not saying this is always easy. But it’s something we need to do.
Did these Bible characters ever forgive themselves?
Let’s look at some folks in the Bible, who at one point or another, had to face the mistakes they made or the sins they committed. Sometimes we have a record in the Bible of their repentance. Sometimes it’s implied. Sometimes we don’t know how they came to terms with what they had done wrong.
I don’t often talk about Samson on The Bible Speaks to You Podcast, but he instantly comes to mind.
Samson was a Judge in Israel for 20 years and did a good job. When Delilah tempted him, he was faithful to God time after time, but finally gave in to her relentless attempts to find out the secret of his great strength. When his hair was cut, he lost his strength, was captured by the Philistines, had his eyes gouged out, and was put in chains. You can read more details about this starting in Judges 16:4.
Over time, Samson’s hair regrows and he regains his strength. But during this time, we don’t know what he was thinking about. Did he berate himself for giving in to Delilah’s beguilements, or even regret wanting to be with her in the first place? Did he condemn himself for these choices? Did he ever get to the point of being able to forgive himself or feel God’s forgiveness?
The Bible doesn’t give us any real clues, but it’s something to think about.
Did David ever forgive himself?
Another example of someone I wonder about being able to forgive himself is King David, after he committed adultery with Bathsheba, and ordered the death of her husband, Uriah. You can read this story starting in 2 Samuel 11:2.
When the prophet Nathan rebukes David with a story which causes him to face his sins, David repents.
Then David said to Nathan, “I have sinned against the LORD.” Nathan replied, “The LORD has taken away your sin. You are not going to die.” 2 Samuel 12:13 NIV
Now this verse doesn’t use the phrase that David’s sin is forgiven, but it’s pretty much the same idea when Nathan say, “The LORD has taken away your sin.”
But even though there’s an element of God forgiving David for his sins, do you think he never thought about it ever again?
I know I’m reading between the lines here, but I can just imagine David revisiting the decisions he made in regards to Bathsheba and Uriah. Did he ever get to the place where he could forgive himself? Was it enough for his to feel God’s forgiveness?
Again, something to think about.
What about Peter?
Let’s jump to the New Testament. I’m thinking about Peter, when he denied he knew Jesus three times. It’s easy to be a little judgmental of Peter, but I think it’s important to remember the intense emotional atmosphere of fear Peter felt in this situation.
Who knows what your or I would have done in the same circumstances.
In this case, we see deep regret and repentance on Peter’s part. When the rooster crows, Peter realizes he has done exactly what Jesus told him he would do.
The Lord turned and looked straight at Peter. Then Peter remembered the word the Lord had spoken to him: “Before the rooster crows today, you will disown me three times.” And he went outside and wept bitterly. Luke 22:61, 62 NIV
Peter loved Jesus in every way he knew how to. Denying he even knew Jesus must have left a bitter taste in Peter’s mouth and a heavy spirit in his heart.
How did Peter feel before (and after) the resurrection?
Think of how Peter must have felt as events played out and he saw Jesus nailed to a cross, die, and buried in a grave. All that was traumatizing enough in and of itself, but add to it the memory of not being faithful to the one you loved and you knew in your heart to be the Messiah. I don’t know how Peter coped with it. It was a terrible mental and emotional burden.
I can only imagine he berated himself constantly: “If only I had not denied I knew him!” No wonder he went out and wept bitterly. Probably more than once.
Think of how Peter must have felt when Jesus appeared to him and some of the other disciples after the resurrection. I’m sure he was overjoyed to see Jesus alive, but you know in the back of his mind, he remembered the look Jesus gave him when the rooster crowed.
The Bible doesn’t give us any details about what Peter was thinking, but just put yourself in his shoes for a minute. I doubt Peter had forgotten about it or forgiven himself. He may have asked God over and over to forgive him and maybe was even trying to work up the courage to say something to Jesus if he had the opportunity. We’ll never know.
Jesus to the rescue
But Jesus knew the burden on Peter’s heart and gave him the opportunity to redeem himself, so to speak, when he asked Peter three times, “Do you love me.”
When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?” “Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”
Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.”
The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Feed my sheep. John 21:15-17 NIV
Three denials that he knew Jesus. Three re-affirmations that he loved Jesus. Do the math. Peter now has a clean slate, you could say. That’s not really a new idea.
My question is: Did this help Peter forgive himself? Did he feel forgiven by Jesus? Did he feel forgiven by God? Did he still need to forgive himself is he truly felt forgiven?
Again, just something to think about.
How did Paul ever forgive himself for persecuting Christians?
Now let’s look at one more example of someone who could easily have been really hard on himself, full of self-condemnation for what he had done as a young man. I’m talking about Saul, who was later known as Paul.
Saul witnessed Stephen being stoned and approved of it. Saul did everything he could to stop the early church.
Saul was going everywhere to destroy the church. He went from house to house, dragging out both men and women to throw them into prison. Acts 8:3 NLT
Saul was uttering threats with every breath and was eager to kill the Lord’s followers. So he went to the high priest. He requested letters addressed to the synagogues in Damascus, asking for their cooperation in the arrest of any followers of the Way he found there. He wanted to bring them—both men and women—back to Jerusalem in chains. Acts 9:1, 2 NLT
Well, you know what happened. Christ appeared to him on the way to Damascus and Saul’s life was changed completely. He became one of the most ardent follower of Jesus the world has ever seen.
How do you think Saul, later Paul, felt about his earlier attitudes and actions? Think of the intense hatred implied in that phrase, “Saul was uttering threats with every breath and was eager to kill the Lord’s followers.”
Paul found forgiveness from God
That’s a heavy memory to hold onto and at some point Paul must have found freedom from having thought and behaved the way he did. And interestingly enough, he actually reminds people on several occasions of his history of persecuting the followers of Jesus.
This one in particular stands out to me.
I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength to do his work. He considered me trustworthy and appointed me to serve him, even though I used to blaspheme the name of Christ. In my insolence, I persecuted his people. But God had mercy on me because I did it in ignorance and unbelief. Oh, how generous and gracious our Lord was! He filled me with the faith and love that come from Christ Jesus. 1 Timothy 1:12-14 NLT
You get a clear sense of Paul’s repentance for what he did and that he felt God’s forgiveness and love.
Did Paul forgive himself? Did he still need to? Was God’s forgiveness enough for him to go forward?
Maybe that’s the key to forgiving ourselves, experiencing God’s forgiveness.
Finding God’s forgiveness
So how do we experience God’s forgiveness? Jesus says it only comes after we have forgiven others. This is in the Sermon on the Mount, right after Jesus has given us the Lord’s Prayer.
For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:14, 15 NIV
That last verse used to trouble me. But it actually makes sense. If your heart is open to forgive others, it is open to receive God’s forgiveness. If you heart is closed and refuses to forgive others, it is closed and cannot receive God’s forgiveness.
It seems a little counterintuitive, doesn’t it, that in order to receive God’s forgiveness, we first need to forgive others. Why does that even matter? Is God ability to forgive dependent on what we do or don’t do? Not at all. God’s forgiveness is always available. It’s just that we can’t receive it when our hearts are closed.
Learning to forgive yourself by forgiving others and accepting God’s forgiveness
Over many years I have experienced on many occasions that when I forgive someone is when I feel God’s forgiveness of my sins.
And that brings us back to forgiving yourself.
When you have a hard time forgiving yourself, what may be going on is that you haven’t felt worthy of, accepted, or experienced God’s forgiveness of your sin, perhaps because there’s someone you need to forgive. When you forgive, you’ll be able to accept and experience God’s forgiveness. When God has washed away your sins, even the tiniest mistake, there is nothing left to forgive, no longer a need to forgive yourself.
Wherever you are on the path of forgiveness, whether of someone else or yourself, take a moment right now to take a humble look at any situation where you need to forgive someone else or yourself.
And then…forgive.
Photo Credit: Keegan Houser
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James Early, the Jesus Mindset Coach, is a Bible teacher, speaker, and podcaster. He conducts Bible workshops online and in person. His focus is on getting back to the original Christianity of Jesus by embracing the mindset of Christ in daily life. Contact him here.
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Bible References
1 John 3:20-23 NIV
20 If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.
21 Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God
22 and receive from him anything we ask, because we keep his commands and do what pleases him.
23 And this is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as he commanded us.
2 Samuel 12:13 NIV
13 Then David said to Nathan, “I have sinned against the LORD.” Nathan replied, “The LORD has taken away your sin. You are not going to die.”
Luke 22:61, 62 NIV
61 The Lord turned and looked straight at Peter. Then Peter remembered the word the Lord had spoken to him: “Before the rooster crows today, you will disown me three times.”
62 And he went outside and wept bitterly.
John 21:15-17 NIV
15 When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?” “Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”
16 Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.”
17 The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Feed my sheep.
Acts 8:3 NLT
3 Saul was going everywhere to destroy the church. He went from house to house, dragging out both men and women to throw them into prison.
Acts 9:1, 2 NLT
1 Saul was uttering threats with every breath and was eager to kill the Lord’s followers. So he went to the high priest.
2 He requested letters addressed to the synagogues in Damascus, asking for their cooperation in the arrest of any followers of the Way he found there. He wanted to bring them—both men and women—back to Jerusalem in chains.
1 Timothy 1:12-14 NLT
12 I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength to do his work. He considered me trustworthy and appointed me to serve him,
13 even though I used to blaspheme the name of Christ. In my insolence, I persecuted his people. But God had mercy on me because I did it in ignorance and unbelief.
14 Oh, how generous and gracious our Lord was! He filled me with the faith and love that come from Christ Jesus.
Matthew 6:14, 15 NIV
14 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
