In need of healing broken relationships?
Is there a relationship in your life that is in need of healing and restoration? Maybe you’re having trouble with someone at work, either your boss or an employee. Maybe it’s someone at church. Or could it be someone in your family? Or maybe you’re completely estranged from someone.
Whatever the situation is, there’s always a possibility of healing and restoring these broken relationships, even though it may not be easy and require a lot of soul searching.
I’ve been talking to a lot of people recently who have mentioned difficult relationships they’re dealing with, sometimes with family members who are no longer talking to them. So I’ve been thinking about what the Bible has to say about the healing and restoration of problematic relationships.
Guest Greg Stephens
This week I talk with Greg Stephens, who has devoted his life to helping people clean up and improve their relationships and at the same time build new bridges to help the relationships go forward.
Greg lost his faith for a time but was invited to rediscover God in his own way. Greg discovered what it meant to become a new creature.
if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. 2 Corinthians 5:17 KJV
We talked about some examples in the Bible of relationships that were restored to see what we can learn about helping our own relationship problems.
Greg got interested in healing relationships because of an ex-girlfriend who was friends with all her former boyfriends. Greg realized he needed to clean up a lot of relationships, 36 in all, from the past. It took him about two years to do it. And it transformed his life.
Bible all about relationships
I asked Greg what the Bible has to say about relationships, what the foundation of a good relationship is, and some examples in the Bible about relationships being restored.
Greg pointed out the Bible is all about our relationship with God and how Jesus came to make that relationship clear to us through the way he lived his life. He says God created us for relationship with Him, with Christ, and with each other.
Our relationships with each other really come from our relationship with God. That’s what church is all about. We were created to be in connection, in relationship with others through Chris. Jesus says,
For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them. Matthew 18:20 NIV
Our relationships all come back to love. Paul says,
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 1 Corinthians 13:4 NIV
Healing broken relationships: Jacob and Esau
We talked about three specific relationships in the Bible that became stressed and fell apart.
First up were Jacob and Esau. Jacob cheated his brother out of his birthright, and then with the encouragement of his mother, stole his blessing as well Esau was furious and Jacob fled for his life.
There’s a lot more to the story but after many years, when God told Jacob to return to his homeland, he knew he would meet Esau. And this finally forced him to come face to face with what he had done wrong.
What did Jacob do? Where did he turn? He prayed to God for help. And that made all the difference.
When Jacob finally came face to face with his brother, the relationship was restored.
When something offends us
Was can we learn from Jacob? When he was working for his mother’s brother, Laban, this uncle deceived him. And Jacob was pretty sly with his uncle about how he was able to get all the best livestock for himself.
Jacob was upset when Laban was being unfair to him. Greg pointed out that when someone’s actions upset us, it’s often a very good indication that we are doing the same thing but not aware of it.
Jacob had cheated his brother and deceived his father, but when Laban deceived him, he didn’t like it.
Is there something someone else does that really annoys you? It may be because you are doing something similar but don’t realize it.
Greg says we need to take the time to take an honest look at ourselves to see if there is anything we need to change in the way we behave. This will bless our relationships.
Greg finds these two verses from James really helpful when challenges come up.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. James 1:2, 3 NIV
Healing broken relationships: Joseph and his brothers
One of the most amazing relationship restoration stories in the Bible is how Joseph and his brothers, who had sold him into slavery, came back together.
Although at the time they did it, many of them felt totally justified in getting rid of their troublesome and pompous little brother, over the many years that followed, they carried a huge burden of guilt when they saw the suffering their actions caused their father.
They had a lot to learn but so did Joseph, whose visions of future grandeur did come to pass, but not without learning humility and trust in God from multiple experiences.
Healing broken relationships sooner than later
I asked Greg what he would have said to Joseph and his brothers to resolve their issues before it came to Joseph getting sold into slavery. Yes, I know, that would have completely changed the story line in the Bible and the way God was orchestrating events. But the principle of healing relationships could apply there and we can learn from it.
Greg said he would ask Joseph and his brothers: How do you define respect? And then he’d have them share with each other what it would look like to them to be treated with respect. He would ask Joseph is he treated his brothers with respect and ask his brothers if they treated Joseph with respect, based on how they wanted to receive respect.
The idea would be to get everyone to see things from the other person’s perspective.
He would point out that anytime you’re in a mindset of reaction to what another person does instead of responding thoughtfully with respect, you lose your ability to choose a right path. And he would conclude by asking them all: What would you like your relationship with each other to look like? Does the way you’re behaving support what you say you want?
It’s easy to say you want a better relationship with someone, but the real question is whether your actions go along with that desire.
We need to ask ourselves if we really love our neighbor as ourselves and remember the Golden Rule.
And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ Matthew 22:39 NIV
Do to others as you would have them do to you. Luke 6:31 NIV
Greg recommends a book called The Missing Commandment: Love Thyself*. He says that a lot of the problems in society come from the fact that most people have not learned to love themselves. This is one of the most important factors in having good relationships with others, to love yourself first.
Healing broken relationships: Peter and Jesus
The next relationship Greg and I talked about that was restored was between Jesus and Peter. Peter loved Jesus in every way he knew how. And he says he’ll go to the death with Jesus, but then denies him three times.
But he [Peter] replied, “Lord, I am ready to go with you to prison and to death.”
Jesus answered, “I tell you, Peter, before the rooster crows today, you will deny three times that you know me.” Luke 22:33, 34 NIV
After the resurrection, they meet on the shore of the Galilean Sea. And Jesus restores that relationship by asking Peter three times: Do you love me?
The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” John 21:17 NIV
Jesus didn’t take Peter to task for denying him three times. He gently allowed Peter to reaffirm his love for him three times, in effect negating h is earlier denials. It was kind of like a math formula.
-3 + 3 = 0
Jesus provided for Peter a clean slate in their relationship so he could go forward without any guilt or awkwardness to tell the world about Jesus.
Lessons for you and me
How does this apply to you and me? If you have caused a relationship to flounder, or if someone else has done something to harm a relationship, Christ comes to restore it, to take away the guilt and shame, the hurt and the heartache, and bring healing so everyone involved can go forward with God’s purpose for them.
Greg points out that many times in our relationships we have to reset, come back to zero, so to speak, and start with a fresh clean slate. We need to forgive the other person and forgive ourselves. We need to love the other person and ourselves all over again.
I asked Greg what we can do when a relationship has fallen apart and one person doesn’t want reconciliation, makes no effort to restore the relationship, and doesn’t respond to your attempts to bring healing to the situation.
Letting go of preconceptions
Greg made it clear that the first thing you have to do is let go of what you hope the other person will do. You can’t expect them to do what you want them to do. That’s controlling someone else. We should always show up as the best version of yourself.
When you show up as your best skill-wise, heart-wise, you’re centered when you do that. If you walk away, the person that you’re trying to reconcile things with sees your best behavior. Now the only thing they’re left with is their behavior. And that is the convicting piece.
Greg has found many times in that moment, that person may not want to have anything to do with you, but as you walk away being your best, being open, saying, “Hey, I’m sorry for my part, if you can ever give me forgiveness, I’m here.” He’s seen many times where that person gets away and when they have the time, it might take days, weeks, months, maybe even years. But many times they will come back and say, “You know what, I own my part.” There’s something that happens when we do that.
All too often, when we get together with someone we’re trying to reconcile with, we try to justify our behavior or hurt feelings and the opportunity to reconcile dissolves.
To have a healthy relationship, we need to set aside our preconceptions of how the other person must behave and how things must happen.
Healing broken relationships with curiosity
Greg says the secret to being able to do this consistently is to be curious. That surprised me.
Great explained that the moment you believe you’re right about the situation or anything else is the moment you stop learning. If you’re not searching for an answer, if you believe you’re right, you’re not willing to let things go. But what if you’re not right? Maybe there’s something else to learn.
Great says you don’t have to necessarily let go of what you think is right, but instead to get curious about it. Bring your true curiosity to Christ. Actually have Christ show you what you may not be seeing.
Greg shared a wonderful analogy: You can’t read the label from inside the jar. You usually can’t see your own problems. You’re too close to them. He recommends to get someone else, get a spiritual advisor or a coach or a mentor or a friend that will tell you the truth about what they see in you. The moment you can give up having to be right, then you can actually start to have a relationship. You get to be right or you get to get it right.
Greg worked with someone whose son had become a drug addict. They had a hard time accepting that and it troubled them to the point they didn’t know what to do. But when they finally let go of trying to control the outcome and completely trusted God, their son was able to get over their addiction and now has a sense of purpose in his life.
Trusting God
Greg asks the poignant question: Do you trust God or do you say you trust God?
I asked Greg what we can do when we feel like our relationship with God is on the rocks and needs to be restored.
Greg responded:
“There’s a couple different things in that. Sometimes when we feel like God’s abandoned us, things aren’t working out the way we think they should. And so we think we know better than God. So again, we’re putting ourselves above Him.
“The other thing is, I’d say, is the whole idea that I’m doing all the things I’m doing for God. God didn’t ask us for that.
“It’s about what God has done for us. God says: I’m here for you. What are you trying to do all that for? Why don’t you just sit back and let me accept you. Look at what shows up in your life as you get out and engage with life. We can’t put ourselves above God or think we know better than He does.
“And so it means surrender. It means accepting the way things are, how they are right now. And where do I show up? That’s what Christ said each day: Where does God want me today? He woke up in the morning and said, where am I supposed to be today? We can say each day: I don’t know what’s going to happen today, but if I show up, God will show me.”
Putting your faith into action
But Grep emphasized the need to take action, to put our faith into action:
so faith without deeds is dead. James 2:26 NIV
I circled back around to the idea of what it means to love ourselves and asked Greg how we can actually do that.
Greg admitted it’s not always easy and that he can be really hard on himself sometimes. He has come to see that everything God does is not against you but for you, for your growth, your progress. When times are challenging, he can see God giving him strength or teaching him important lessons. That helps his see the blessings that God has in store for him. And that, in turn, helps him love himself because he sees God’s love for him.
It brought to mind the verse from Romans
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 NIV
God wants to be in relationship with us
Greg emphasized the point that God wants to be in relationship with us. He says we should look ourselves in the eye in the mirror and know that you are of value. It’s the value God gives you, not that you created. You love the value God gave you.
In closing, Greg stressed that it’s important never to leave things unsaid. You may never get another opportunity to tell someone you love them or to bring healing to a relationship. If you have something to say to someone, it’s important to say it.
Take care of things today. Tomorrow it might be harder.
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34 NIV
Three final questions
- If you could talk to any Bible character other than Jesus, who would it be and what would you ask them?
Greg: I’d ask Joseph what it was like, what he thought in prison. I’ve always wondered when he was looked over after the baker and he was promised that these people would help him. I feel like I’ve been there so many times, I just like to reminisce with him, what that was like, sitting there for another couple of years after you were promised something.
- Is there any Bible character you especially identify with?
Greg: Yeah. Again, it would go back to Joseph. There have been times that I felt like I went through a lot of different things. Nothing extreme, but I was being prepared and built up. That’s what I connect with Joseph, that it didn’t come all at once. He had to be refined and built up.
- This podcast, the Bible Speaks to You is about getting back to the original Christianity, the original message that Jesus had that he taught us. How would you describe that original gospel message that Jesus preached? How does he want us to live our lives?
Greg: I believe he wants us to, in essence, seek him first. He’ll give you the answers. I think it’s interesting. I believe the Bible is a guide and it’s very powerful because it’s specific. And one of the things I found many times I’ll say something to someone, they hear something different. I believe Spirit will speak to you in this to tell you what Christ is saying to you. But he’s the compass because he’s love. He gave himself in that space. And so that’s what I would… the biggest thing is to seek him, to seek that relationship. And he’ll give you everything else. It’s hard to see that, especially in our society today. We want it here, we want it now. And that’s one of the biggest things. He hadn’t figured it out. God plays the long game. It’s not the next quarter, it’s not anything like that. But when we can stay there, there’s some level of peace to it. And I believe that the original message is, I want relationship. Just go with me. Go with me on this journey. I put you here. And you know, we always talk about, oh, you know, it’s not a destination, it’s the journey. But we miss it so many times because we keep looking for the next thing.
Greg Stephens helps people navigate complex situations and impossible relationships by helping them make get a fresh perspective and building new bridges.
Greg has committed his life to helping people clean up, improve, and build new bridges in their relationships for more than 25 years. He’s a business owner, executive coach, speaker, and author. He’s also a professional mediator and brings people together in situations they never thought possible.
He has written a book, Build New Bridges: The Art of Restoring Impossible Relationships
And he has a podcast called A Shot of Inspiration
Contact Greg
Email: greg@alignment-resources.com
Website: https://www.alignment-resources.com/
Book: Build New Bridges: The Art of Restoring Impossible Relationships*
Podcast: A Shot of Inspiration
Photo Credit: Mark A. Sporys
*Amazon affiliate link
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James Early, the Jesus Mindset Coach, is a Bible teacher, speaker, and church mentor. He conducts Bible workshops online and in person. His focus is on getting back to the original Christianity of Jesus by embracing the mindset of Christ in daily life. Contact him here.
Make a donation to support the show
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Bible References
2 Corinthians 5:17 KJV
17 if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.
Matthew 18:20 NIV
20 For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.
1 Corinthians 13:4 NIV
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
James 1:2, 3 NIV
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,
3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.
Matthew 22:39 NIV
39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’
Luke 6:31 NIV
31 Do to others as you would have them do to you.
Luke 22:33, 34 NIV
33 But he [Peter] replied, “Lord, I am ready to go with you to prison and to death.”
34 Jesus answered, “I tell you, Peter, before the rooster crows today, you will deny three times that you know me.”
John 21:17 NIV
17 The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
James 2:26 NIV
26 so faith without deeds is dead.
Romans 8:28 NIV
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Matthew 6:34 NIV
34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
