Thank goodness, there is a cure for loneliness!
Today I’m going to talk about what the Bible says we can do to cure loneliness. This is because a listener requested this topic.
If you’ve been listening to The Bible Speaks to You Podcast recently the last several weeks you’ve probably heard me ask at the end if there’s anything you’d like me to talk about on the show, maybe something in the Bible or an issue you’re dealing with. Thanks to all of you who have emailed me with questions or topics to consider. If you haven’t shared an idea you’d like me to talk about, I’d love to hear from you. At the end of the episode I’ll share the best way to be in touch.
Recently I got an email from Pam asking me to talk about how to deal with grief and loneliness. Thanks Pam for bringing up these two very important topics. They sometimes overlap a bit depending on the circumstances, and I hope some of the ideas will be relevant to dealing with grief. But I’m mainly going to focus on finding freedom from loneliness in this episode.
So we’re going to talk about how to deal with and hopefully find a cure for loneliness, with some ideas from the Bible.
Why do you, or people you know, feel lonely?
If you feel lonely at times, or all the time, is it because you don’t have people around? Maybe you’ve lost someone you felt close to, or maybe there are lots of people in your life but there’s no one you can connect with, no one on the same wave length enough that you enjoy being in their presence? There are lots of reasons people are lonely.
There are certainly times in my life when I didn’t feel I had any real friends. Oh, I had people in my life, and some surface friends or acquaintances, but no one I could really feel connected to on a deeper level. I can be in a room full of people, but the conversations can be so trivial, or not about something I have any interest or expertise in. In a crowded room, I have often felt very alone.
What about being in a group at work or church, where everyone is satisfied with the status quo, but you have some new ideas you’d like to see implemented, or at least given a try. But no one else feels that way. You’re with people you care about and who care about you in a general way, but you feel very alone in what you think should be done.
Sometimes you feel lonely because you are literally alone. There’s no one in your life. Or you’re completely new to a community and no one knows you.
I didn’t know anyone in our new town
That actually happened to me 32 years ago when we moved to the town we live in now. Our oldest daughter was 6 months old. My wife commuted by train to work every day and I was a full-time stay-at-home dad. We had no family, no friends and knew no one in this little community.
Even though there were lots of people around, I felt so isolated. It was a really tough time for me. Oh, I loved being a stay-at-home dad. I got to see every stage of development of my children as they grew up. And I’m so grateful for that.
I did meet a few folks but we didn’t have much in common. There was still a loneliness of not feeling connected with others.
God was my cure for loneliness
I often poured out my heart to God just wishing I had some friends I could relate to on a deep spiritual level. Every time I prayed that prayer, God would say to me, “I’ll be your Friend. You can talk to me like you would to a friend. But you’ll have to listen to Me the way you’d listen to the kind of friend you want.”
That actually was very helpful. I’d never really thought of God as a friend. I’d always thought of God as my divine Parent, my Creator, my Protector, my Provider, my Rescuer, those kinds of things. And I had intellectually thought about God being my best friend, you hear that phrase, but I never really developed the relationship that way. Now, I was getting to know God as a friend, to have a one-on-one relationship with Him, not just in theory, but in a practical every day way.
I started having more conversations with God. In fact, I started writing down these conversations in my journal at least as far back as 2003.
Over the years I’ve had more conversations with God. And this has helped me feel much less alone. God has revealed His purpose for me. He’s made it clear I am included in His family. And over the years, God has brought people who are like minded into my life. And I can honestly say I don’t feel those pangs of loneliness, separation, rejection, and a lot of other emotions that I used to.
I’m grateful for this relationship with God that I’ve become increasingly aware of. It has made all the difference.
The Bible’s cure for loneliness
All this said, I’ve been thinking about what the Bible has to offer as a cure for loneliness.
Well obviously, God has something to do with it.
The first verse that comes to mind is
God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing; Psalm 68:6 NIV
When you feel really lonely, it can feel like being in prison, separated from life itself.
I love the sense of hope in this verse. If you’re praying for yourself or someone else who’s lonely, this is a powerful promise that God will find a place for you to belong.
Even King David was lonely at times
A lot of people in the Bible felt a deep sense of loneliness at times, sometimes right after they had accomplished what we would call miracles.
King David had important and powerful people around him and he did amazing things, but there were still times he felt lonely in the midst of political opposition.
If you want to get a full flavor of how David felt at challenging times, check out Psalm 25.
These two verses in particular pretty much sum up how he felt. David says in prayer to God:
Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.
Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish. Psalm 25:16, 17 NIV
That sounds like it could have been written today!
If David felt this way, but could still pray to God for guidance and protection, then you and I and anyone who has been in similar situations can find help from God as well.
It really takes a humble heart that turns to God for this help instead of looking for it other places.
Elijah felt alone and like a failure
Think about Elijah, the prophet, who, right after he called down fire from heaven to burn up the evening sacrifice, which was an incredible display of God’s supreme authority, he had to flee for his life from Jezebel, who had threatened to kill him.
Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, while he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, LORD,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.” 1 Kings 19:3, 4 NIV
Have you ever felt like that?
Here’s one of the most amazing prophets in the Old Testament, and who later is translated into heaven without passing through death, and he feels all alone and sees himself as somewhat of a failure.
Talking to God a cure for loneliness
In fact, he has a little conversation with God, who asked him,
What are you doing here, Elijah?
I have been very zealous for the LORD God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too. 1 Kings 19:9, 10 NIV
I hope you have never felt all alone in the world and just didn’t see the point of living any longer like Elijah did. But some people do feel that way at times.
So what should you do if you feel this way? Or how can you help someone who feels this way?
Is repeating the problem a cure for loneliness?
It’s interesting that God asks him the second time, “What are you doing here Elijah?” And Elijah repeats the exact thing he just said, as if God didn’t hear him the first time. Have you ever prayed like that?
He replied, “I have been very zealous for the LORD God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.” 1 Kings 19:14 NIV
“I am the only one left.” Do you hear the lonely cry in Elijah’s heart? Here he was trying to do what was right, trying to obedient to God and encourage other to do the same, but he felt so alone.
But God tells him, apparently much to his surprise, that there are
seven thousand in Israel—all whose knees have not bowed down to Baal [a false god] and whose mouths have not kissed him. 1 Kings 19:18 NIV
Then God tells him where to go and what to do. One of these things is to anoint Elisha as a prophet to follow in his footsteps.
When you’re feeling lonely…
So, how can this story help you if you’re feeling lonely, isolated, unsuccessful in life, or persecuted by those who oppose God?
Well, first off, be honest with God. He is your closest friend and confidant. You can tell God anything about how you feel.
But the next natural step is you also have to listen to what God says to you. He may start with a simple question like He did with Elijah, “Why are you here?” Why are you feeling this way?
Have a conversation with God and do whatever He tells you. There may not be 7,000 people who will be there to support you, as there were with Elijah, but there may be one or two people God wants you to meet. But He may require you to do something, go somewhere, talk to someone. Whatever it is, follow God’s lead.
He knows what you need better than you do. Trust that. What God tells you may not make sense, but you’ll eventually see how everything works together.
Does God help normal people not feel lonely?
Now you may be thinking: Hey James, these stories of David and Elijah are great and very inspiring, but they were important, powerful people. What about the everyday, normal person? Does God help them not be lonely too?
That’s a really great question. If God only helped the high and mighty, or the most spiritually minded prophets, what does that imply for the rest of us? Fortunately, God is impartial. He doesn’t play favorites.
I’m thinking of someone in the Bible who probably felt very lonely. We don’t even know her name, and she is only mentioned in passing as part of a bigger story.
Remember Naaman, the Commander of the army of the king of Syria, or Aram, who had leprosy? He went to Elisha the prophet, who healed him. You can read this whole story in 2 Kings, Chapter 5.
But how did Naaman, who was a foreigner, know to go see Elisha? We get the answer in
Now bands of raiders from Aram had gone out and had taken captive a young girl from Israel, and she served Naaman’s wife. She said to her mistress, “If only my master would see the prophet who is in Samaria! He would cure him of his leprosy.” 2 Kings 5:2, 3 NIV
What if you had been in her place?
Think if you had been in this young girl’s position. You were far away from your home, your friends and family. You had been captured by an enemy army. She had every reason to feel lonely, and probably did.
But look at the genuine affection she had for her mistress, Naaman’s wife, and for Naaman too. She suggested that Elisha the prophet could heal him.
If you were bitter over being captured and made to be a servant, and if you hated your master because he was mean to you, you probably wouldn’t have suggested a way he could be healed. I think there was some genuine affection there.
It may not have been ideal because she was still in captivity, but to some degree God had placed this young girl in a family that cared for her. They actually respected her enough to follow her advice. How often do you see a master taking the advice of one of his servants or slaves?
Maybe it wasn’t the most perfect solution to loneliness, but there was some sense of belonging and being valued.
This can apply to you and me in so many ways. You may feel you’re trapped in a particular situation you didn’t choose, or that you can’t control. Don’t hold onto bitterness, resentment, or a desire for revenge. Be of service like this young girl was. Look for ways to bless the situation you’re in and the people involved. Don’t hesitate to share ideas that will be helpful at the right time.
This will help you feel more purposeful and less lonely. And if you know someone who feels lonely, find a way you can help them feel their value; help them feel valued. That will go a long way to help someone. And if you feel lonely—I know it might be a hard exercise—but think of the value you have to offer.
Was Jesus lonely?
Let’s think about the New Testament for a minute, there are certainly some folks who must have felt lonely. I think even Jesus felt lonely at times. Think of when everyone quit following him except the 12 disciples. Think of how he felt in the Garden of Gethsemane when everybody went to sleep, and later on the cross, when everyone but John and a few women scattered and left him to his fate.
In another sense though, Jesus knew he was not alone. He knew God was with him every step of the way.
Jesus’s life is certainly be a model for us. However challenging a situation may be, even if everyone has abandoned you, or if there was never anyone there for you in the first place, God is still with you and can guide you one step at a time out of the feeling of despair and loneliness.
The cure for loneliness is not…
The answer to loneliness is not always to have people around you. I’ve known several people over the years, who always seemed to have a crowd of people around them, hanging on every world they said. They were fascinating and freely shared their thoughts with me or anyone who would listen. They really seemed to enjoy being with me. I thought they considered me as a friend because they took such delight in being with me and sharing their stories and ideas. I felt included.
But it didn’t take long to realize they never asked me or anyone else anything about what we were doing. They never asked what we thought about a given topic. When we interjected our ideas, they paused and then picked up where they left off, sharing their ideas. Their whole focus was on themselves. It became pretty obvious they didn’t care one bit about me. I was just an opportunity for them to talk about themselves.
Being around people like that is not a cure for loneliness because the connection is only one way.
What is loneliness?
But let’s look a little deeper into what loneliness really is.
Loneliness is not so much a condition of circumstances. It’s an attitude, a mindset. Loneliness is actually a lens you look through at the world, others, and yourself. It’s a lens where you don’t see your value. Or it’s a lens where you see your value, but don’t feel like others do.
Elijah thought he was alone. David felt alone at times. They felt like failures at times. But God was always with them. When they looked at things from a more spiritual perspective, they realized they were not alone after all. For Elijah, there were 7,000 faithful Israelites plus Elisha, whom he would mentor to be a prophet when he was gone.
You may feel alone right now, for whatever reason, to whatever degree. Or you may know someone who feels this way.
Jesus’s promise
When I have felt lonely and isolated, it’s so helpful to remember Jesus’s promise,
I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10 NIV
That can mean different things to different people, but whatever it means to you, when your life if full the way Jesus is talking about, you will not feel lonely.
Sometimes when you feel alone or abandoned, it might actually be God protecting you from people who wouldn’t be a good influence on you.
Maybe you need some loneliness, or alone time, in your life. Some people are afraid to be alone because they don’t want to face the issues they need to deal with, like emotional hurts from the past. They cram their days full of activities so they won’t be alone. But they’re avoiding something.
The cure for loneliness might include being alone
Several people in my prison Bible study groups have told me they are often very lonely when they first get to prison. They’re separated from their friends and family and it’s very hard for them. But they have come to see that their solitary time in prison is actually a blessing and an opportunity to deal with some of their bad habits and past mistakes that got them into prison in the first place.
And because they’re in prison, they’re separated from the bad influences in their lives that got them involved in the crimes they committed.
A fellow in one of my Bible studies had been a rebellious troublemaker and was put into solitary confinement. That is supreme loneliness. He decided to take it as an opportunity to deal with his issues. He had not been a person of faith up until then, but he decided to read the Bible from cover to cover, which he did in just a week. He said he couldn’t put it down.
After that experience, he came to my class and was a different person. His solitary time had been transformational. I have rarely seen someone so on fire for God. He was full of so much love. His time alone was a real blessing.
Cure for loneliness is not a formula
There’s so much more I could say about how the Bible offers a cure for loneliness. If you or someone else you know is feeling lonely, there’s no perfect little formula but I have a couple of suggestions that might be helpful. First, think about the kinds of qualities you would want in a companion. Then do everything you can to be like that. If you met someone exactly like you are right now, would you want to be friends with that person? Work to be the kind of person you want to be friends with. Something to think about.
The second idea is to read through the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew Chapters 5 – 7. Think about how the ideas in it apply to taking away the feeling of loneliness. One of the most powerful ideas in that sermon is the practice of forgiveness. Start there and forgive all those who have excluded you, consciously or unconsciously. Forgive yourself. And see where that leads you. God will take you each step of the way.
And if you’re not someone who feels lonely, I’d encourage you to pray for an opportunity to help someone who does feel lonely. And when you have that opportunity, minister to them, love them, let them know that you see their value. Help them see their own value.
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Photo Credit: Majkl Velner
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James Early, the Jesus Mindset Coach, is a Bible teacher, speaker, and podcaster. He conducts Bible workshops online and in person. His focus is on getting back to the original Christianity of Jesus by embracing the mindset of Christ in daily life. Contact him here.
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Bible References
Psalm 68:6 NIV
6 God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing;
Psalm 25:16, 17 NIV
16 Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.
17 Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish.
1 Kings 19:3, 4 NIV
3 Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there,
4 while he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, LORD,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.”
1 Kings 19:9, 10 NIV
9 What are you doing here, Elijah?
10 I have been very zealous for the LORD God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.
1 Kings 19:14 NIV
14 He replied, “I have been very zealous for the LORD God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.”
1 Kings 19:18 NIV
18 seven thousand in Israel—all whose knees have not bowed down to Baal [a false god] and whose mouths have not kissed him.
2 Kings 5:2, 3 NIV
2 Now bands of raiders from Aram had gone out and had taken captive a young girl from Israel, and she served Naaman’s wife.
3 She said to her mistress, “If only my master would see the prophet who is in Samaria! He would cure him of his leprosy.”
John 10:10 NIV
10 I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
