Are you trying to fit in but still feel left out?
Recently I was watching a video on social media about the difference between people trying to fit in to a group or community and actually belonging to a group or community.
This video made it pretty clear that when people are trying to fit in to a group they want to be part of, all too often, they’re not being true to who they are. They compromise their own individuality. They copy the attitudes and behaviors of everyone in the group. Why? Because they want to be accepted and think the only way to do that is to conform to the way everyone in the group is thinking, speaking, and acting.
Belonging, on the other hand, is actually being with like-minded people and you don’t need to compromise who you are. Or it’s being with people who don’t necessarily agree with you on everything, but they appreciate the unique value you bring to the group. You’re able to be yourself without any pressure to conform to arbitrary attitudes and behaviors.
Trying to fit in when I was in 4th grade
This desire to fit in can being pretty early in life. I remember in fourth grade, one of the cool kids in the class, Tim, wore a red shirt. Several of the other cool kids started wearing red shirts too. I don’t remember now if it was just one day of the week or what, but on some days they would all wear their red shirts. One afternoon when I got home from school, I told my mom I had to have a red shirt. I wanted to fit in and be part of that group.
Somehow, I thought if I wore a red shirt on the day all those cool kids wore their red shirts, I would be one of the cool kids too. I would fit in.
Well, my mom got me a red shirt and the next time all those guys wore their red shirts, I wore mine. For about five minutes, I felt pretty cool. But it really didn’t make much difference. It’s not that I compromised my morals by wearing a red shirt. I just wanted to fit in. But that’s not what made me fit in. I thought I had to do what all the other guys were doing to belong. But when I did wear that red shirt, it didn’t make me feel like I belonged at all.
Now that’s a pretty tame example compared to how kids today sometimes go to great lengths to dress a certain way, or behave a certain way, to be accepted by their peers.
And adults are not immune to this tendency of wanting to fit in and be part of and accepted by a group or community.
What the Bible says about trying to fit in
The more I’ve thought about this idea of trying to fit in versus actually belonging to a group, I got to wondering what the Bible has to say about all this.
Well, believe it or not, the first thing that comes to mind is in the Old Testament. Remember when the Children of Israel told Samuel the prophet they wanted a king to rule over them. For generations after they had come to Canaan, the Promised Land, they had no king, and instead, judges ruled over them.
But Israel was frequently raided, conquered, and occupied by the Midianites and other neighboring nation/states who had kings.
You can read this story in 1 Samuel, Chapter 8.
The Israelites told Samuel they wanted a king to rule over them, just like the other nations. That seems reasonable enough from one perspective. But Samuel was really upset by this because he thought of God as the one who ruled over and protected them. As Samuel was praying about this, God told him,
And the LORD told him: “Listen to all that the people are saying to you; it is not you they have rejected, but they have rejected me as their king. 1 Samuel 8:7 NIV
When you try to fit in, you usually reject God
Just stop and think about that for a minute. That’s a pretty big change, a pretty big compromise, just to fit in and be like all the other nations. The Children of Israel rejected God’s reign over them as their king and wanted to copy what everyone else was doing. They wanted to fit in with what others were doing instead of belonging completely to God. There were other things going on there, but I think that was a big part of it.
So, Samuel anointed Saul as king. When that didn’t work out too well, he anointed David. Then, after his son Solomon was king, the nation split into two parts, Israel and Judah, both of which had their own kings.
When these kings obeyed God, things went well. But when the kings rejected God, things went from bad to worse.
The Jewish people lived with the consequences of that original desire to have a king for hundreds of years.
You never know what the ramifications of what you say or do today will have in the near or the distant future.
When we try to fit in to the world’s way of doing things, we usually end up rejecting God.
When you’re already part of group
Now, sometimes you may already be part of a group and you want to hold onto your status of fitting in. This happened to some of the folks in the New Testament, who liked what Jesus was saying and doing, but they didn’t want to admit it publicly.
But no one had the courage to speak favorably about him [Jesus] in public, for they were afraid of getting in trouble with the Jewish leaders. John 7:13 NLT
And this was for good reason. People didn’t want to be kicked out of the synagogue.
Yet at the same time many even among the leaders believed in him [in Jesus]. But because of the Pharisees they would not openly acknowledge their faith for fear they would be put out of the synagogue; for they loved human praise more than praise from God. John 14:42, 43 NIV
That’s pretty telling, isn’t it?
These religious leaders wanted so much to fit in with the people in control, that they weren’t honest about the fact they believed in Jesus.
How do you think that made them feel, to carry around that internal mental and emotional conflict? How would you feel if you were in a similar situation? Have you ever not wanted to tell people about your faith, that you are a follower of Christ, because you’re afraid of what they’ll think about you, that they might not want to associate with you? You just want to fit in, so you don’t say anything.
Maybe those aren’t the folks you want to spend time with. It’s so much better to be with people who you can be yourself around.
Where you already belong
But if you are a follower of Jesus, you’re already part of something much bigger. You belong to a community of fellow believers. Paul calls it the body of Christ.
The more we realize we already belong to the community of Christ followers, the less we will be tempted to try to fit in with what the world thinks is important.
Even if you feel alone in the world, don’t have any friends, and don’t fit in anywhere, you do belong with Christ and his followers. You really are part of something very substantial. You have a spiritual connection to God and all true believers.
For years I often felt like I didn’t fit in with the other kids at school, other employees at work, or with other parents when my kids were small. Many of the people during these times of my life were not really focused on things of the Spirit. We just didn’t have much in common. As much as I wanted to be part of a community, I didn’t always fit in with their approach to life.
I would plead with God to just give me some friends that I could feel close to and have some deep spiritual connections with. The answer usually was something like God saying to me: “I’ll be your friend. You belong to Me. You are Mine. I love you.”
Now don’t get me wrong, all along the way, there have been some very special friends that I had and still have a deep spiritual connection with.
But I have realized I never need to try to fit in to a group that isn’t edifying to the calling God has put on my heart.
This has been a slow path of self-discovery. But God has been with me each step of the way, teaching me to be in community with Him first.
Trying to fit in at church
Sometimes the pressure to fit in with a community is part of the culture of that community. And unfortunately, this happens in some churches. I have friends who are expected to adopt a certain persona of how their church expects them to behave, what activities they can participate in, and even what they wear. Things can get pretty legalistic sometimes.
And people go along with it because they want to fit in, they want to be part of the church community. They know if they disagree with or don’t follow something their pastor or their church expects of them, they’ll be shunned or kicked out of church.
Unfortunately this happens a lot to varying degrees. I have a friend who simply started asking questions about why certain things were done certain ways at their church, that didn’t seem to be biblically based, and it was like someone hit a hornets’ nest with a baseball bat. My friend was accused of all sorts of terrible things and eventually left the church.
For a long time, they hadn’t said anything because they wanted to fit in and be part of the community. But finally they realized they didn’t want to fit in with the kind of attitudes that were in a church that would behave that way and allow others to do the same.
During this experience, they realized that they belonged first and foremost to God and not some human organization. It gave them a sense of peace to know they were part of the body of Christ. And eventually they found a church they could really belong to without trying to fit in.
The desire to belong
There’s something deep within each of us that wants to be part of something bigger than ourselves. There’s a yearning to be accepted and respected for who we are. But when we compromise who we are to fit in, it never really satisfies that deep desire to belong.
And sometimes we’ve been hurt by trying to fit in. And so we avoid people all together. That’s not really an answer either.
The more we begin to understand how we belong to God, He will put us in a community, or a group, even if it’s just one other person, that we can be connected with.
When I first got serious about my faith in high school and joined a different church from the one I was brought up in, I desperately wanted to fit in and feel included in the church community. I copied people’s patterns of speech. I acted the way they acted. I tried to say and do everything the way longtime church members did.
On one level, I was being very sincere. I wanted to do everything the right way and I was studying the Bible more than I ever had before. But I realize now I was trying to fit in. I wanted people to think highly of me. I wanted to be accepted. And they did. But it was very unsatisfying.
I finally realized the reason I wanted to be accepted by others and fit in was because I was insecure. I had a very negative self-image for years. I felt that if others would accept me, that would make me feel better about myself. And it helped a little.
Understanding you belong to and with God
But the real change came as I started getting a better understanding that I belonged to God, and that He always included me in His family. I could trust God to connect me with and be part of a community of friends that was spiritually rewarding.
More recently, I have felt a deep spiritual connection to all God’s children, and especially to all who believe in and follow Christ. That can almost sound sort of esoteric, and I guess it is in a way, but the more I have felt this unity with all mankind, the more I have discovered a growing community of like-minded people all over the world I can connect with. There’s something deeply satisfying about this.
In thinking about where we belong, I think one of the most important questions we need to ask is: Who do we belong to?
In some social circles, there’s a real effort to be inclusive of people, regardless of race, creed, nationality, economic and social status those sorts of things. We are often told to accept people as they are. And there’s a lot of validity in that when done the way Jesus would.
But that doesn’t always happen. As followers of Jesus we need to follow his example of how he treated people from every walk of life.
Knowing that others belong to God
Jesus took the idea of accepting someone for who they were to a completely different level. For example, when he saw Zacchaeus up in that sycamore tree, he didn’t accept him as everyone else saw him, as an unredeemable and corrupt tax collector. He did meet him where he was.
But Jesus invited himself over to Zacchaeus’s house for a meal because he accepted the deeper spiritual fact that Zacchaeus had a connection to God. Jesus saw past all the greed and corruption to see a child of God.
We don’t know how Zacchaeus got involved in collecting taxes for the Romans, or how long it was before he began to charge more than he should have. Maybe Zacchaeus was just trying to fit in to a challenging societal/political/religious situation and make the best of it, albeit with a very selfish motive.
We don’t know what Jesus said to Zacchaeus, but it was pretty effective.
But Zacchaeus stood up and said to the Lord, “Look, Lord! Here and now I give half of my possessions to the poor, and if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount.”
Jesus said to him, “Today salvation has come to this house, because this man, too, is a son of Abraham. Luke 19:8, 9 NIV
Jesus knew Zacchaeus belonged to God
Jesus knew Zacchaeus really belonged to God and empowered Zacchaeus to see this for himself. Zacchaeus didn’t belong to his sins and his past mistakes. You and I can do this with the Zacchaeus types in the world today.
And this really gets to the crux of the matter: Do you see others as children of God? Do you see yourself this way? Then you will see that you all belong to and are part of God’s family, God’s community.
If you don’t see yourself and others as belonging to God, then you will always think you are better than others or that others are better than you. You will always be trying to fit in. Or you’ll be trying to make the rules of how others must fit in or you’ll even try to keep others from fitting in.
The bottom line is that you belong to God. So does everyone else. No matter what mistakes you’ve made, no matter what sins you have committed, you always belong to God.
Jesus knew Zacchaeus did not belong in the tax collector’s booth or up in the sycamore tree. He knew he belonged across the table from him talking about the kingdom of heaven, or whatever they talked about over that meal.
Do we belong to our sins?
This is true for you and me as well. You and I don’t belong to the sins we’ve committed.
But wait a minute, doesn’t Paul say we are servants to our sins? Yeah! He does.
Don’t you know that when you offer yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness? Romans 6:16 NIV
Paul is right. When we sin, we have submitted to sin as its slave, its servant. But even if you have sinned, even if you are in the very act of sinning, and feel like you are a slave to that sin, it doesn’t mean you belong to that sin. You belong to God.
Jesus saw this was true for Zacchaeus. It’s true for you and me as well. No matter what we do, no matter what happens, we belong to God. We belong in His family. We belong at the table with God’s other children.
Quit trying to fit in with the world and sit at the table with Jesus
Jesus knew this so well and he wasn’t afraid to sit at the table, literally or figuratively, with anyone who was receptive to his message of hope and salvation. He never tried to fit in with the strict, legalistic codes of behavior the Pharisees tried to impose on Jewish society. Because of this, they criticized him.
When the teachers of the law who were Pharisees saw him eating with the sinners and tax collectors, they asked his disciples: “Why does he eat with tax collectors and sinners?”
On hearing this, Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” Mark 2:16, 17 NIV
Instead of Jesus trying to fit in with a man-made approach to religion, he was showing even the sinners he ate with that they belonged to the kingdom of God.
This can be our model too.
Christ knocking at the door
The book of Revelation paints a picture of Jesus knocking at the door.
Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends. Revelation 3:20 NLT
Now, Jesus may not be physically knocking at the door of your house, but the spirit of Christ is knocking at the door of your heart. When you open your innermost thoughts, your fears and concerns, your hopes and desires, your ability to love, when you open your heart to Christ you will be right where you belong, sitting at the table listening to Christ’s message of God’s love and salvation.
And just like Jesus did, you’ll welcome to your table, others who may have been trying to fit in to the world’s ways of thinking and doing things. You’ll help them realize they already belong to God.
Is there anything you’re trying to fit in with that keeps you from knowing you belong to God?
In his letter to the church in Rome, Paul gives some of the best advice on this topic of trying to fit it versus belonging to God.
Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. Romans 12:2 NLT
Take a moment for a little self-reflection.
Are you trying to fit in to the way the world sees and does things? Are you trying to fit in somewhere you don’t really belong. You don’t belong to the world. You don’t belong to sin or the past mistakes you’ve made. You don’t belong to man-made theological dogma, doctrines, and traditions. And you don’t belong to the devil. You belong to God. You belong to Christ. You belong to the Holy Spirit. And you belong to the body of Christ.
You could sum up Jesus’s purpose here on earth in many ways. One of those could simply be that Jesus came show us that heaven is at hand, that we belong in heaven, and that heaven belongs in us. You and I belong in God’s presence with all His children. And, spiritually, that’s where you and I are right now.
_____________
James Early, the Jesus Mindset Coach, is a Bible teacher, speaker, and podcaster. He conducts Bible workshops online and in person. His focus is on getting back to the original Christianity of Jesus by embracing the mindset of Christ in daily life. Contact him here.
Make a donation to support the show
_____________
Bible References
1 Samuel 8:7 NIV
7 And the LORD told him: “Listen to all that the people are saying to you; it is not you they have rejected, but they have rejected me as their king.
John 7:13 NLT
13 But no one had the courage to speak favorably about him [Jesus] in public, for they were afraid of getting in trouble with the Jewish leaders.
John 14:42, 43 NIV
42 Yet at the same time many even among the leaders believed in him [in Jesus]. But because of the Pharisees they would not openly acknowledge their faith for fear they would be put out of the synagogue;
43 for they loved human praise more than praise from God.
Luke 19:8, 9 NIV
8 But Zacchaeus stood up and said to the Lord, “Look, Lord! Here and now I give half of my possessions to the poor, and if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount.”
9 Jesus said to him, “Today salvation has come to this house, because this man, too, is a son of Abraham.
Romans 6:16 NIV
16 Don’t you know that when you offer yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness?
Mark 2:16, 17 NIV
16 When the teachers of the law who were Pharisees saw him eating with the sinners and tax collectors, they asked his disciples: “Why does he eat with tax collectors and sinners?”
17 On hearing this, Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”
Revelation 3:20 NLT
20 Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends.
Romans 12:2 NLT
2 Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.
